I lost a part of who I am: Nikita Hand speaks for first time since Conor McGregor
Nikita Hand claims that she still has nightmares about being sexually assaulted by UFC star Conor McGregor.
In her first televised interview since an Irish civil jury found that McGregor sexually assaulted her in a Dublin hotel in 2018, Hand appeared on Ireland's "Prime Time" program Wednesday to discuss the lasting impact of the attack and civil trial process.
"I'm working on myself, I'm learning how to live with it and I'm being the best [mom] that I can be, but it's never going to go away," Hand told Miriam O'Callaghan.
"I wake up screaming the odd time. Thank God, I have an amazing partner, Gary, who is there to calm me down. But it's not easy."
Hand became emotional when she was asked to recount how she felt when the attack was taking place, briefly pausing the interview to gather herself.
"When it started, I felt really uncomfortable," she recalled. "When he got really aggressive and I was trying my best to fight, there was a bit of an anger in me as well. Then I just completely lost myself when he choked me. I lost a part of who I am and she's still gone to this day."
"When he choked me for the third time, I lost a part of myself," she continued. "The fight in me gave up and I was just completely gone. I can't really describe it, it was like disassociating away from your own body basically. It was like I was looking down on myself as the attack was happening."
In November 2024, Hand was awarded nearly €250,000 in damages when the jury found her favor. In July 2025, a three-judge panel unanimously rejected McGregor's appeal on all grounds. In December, the Supreme Court ruled that it would not hear McGregor's further appeal against the decision, effectively ending his legal challenge to the verdict.
McGregor has consistently maintained his innocence and denies any wrongdoing.
Hand opted to pursue civil proceedings after Ireland's Director of Public Prosecutions decided not to prosecute McGregor in 2020. The decision to not criminally charge McGregor came as surprise to Hand after she cooperated with the investigation.
"I was in shock, I was in complete shock," she said. "I felt like I told the truth. I gave my statement. I went to the SATU (Sexual Assault Treatment Unit). I handed over my phone. I got the swabs. I did everything I needed to do. I did everything correctly and I just automatically thought they would come back and say yes, but they didn't. I was absolutely devastated and my mental health deteriorated completely.
"I hit the drink pretty bad. I used to drink every night to numb the pain. I couldn't sleep at night. That was a very difficult time and a very dark time in my life."
Hand revealed that she suffered a panic attack when she saw McGregor in person on the first day of the civil trial. She admitted that she struggled throughout the trial process and that there were several occasions when she felt she could not continue.
She also explained how she felt when the verdict was read in her favor.
"I actually didn't know what was happening, to be honest with you," she said. "The room, I couldn't hear anything. I was in a complete state, I was shaking from top to bottom. I didn't know what was going to happen. I had to look at Cliona, the lady from the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre, and say, 'What's happening here?' She [said], 'Nikita, you won, they believed you.' I couldn't believe it. People were putting their arms around me, they were congratulating me, they were kissing me. I was happy in that moment but still deeply traumatized from the whole trial itself."
Although Hand understands that McGregor is a public person, she described how difficult it was for her to see him being invited to the U.S. White House and later featuring on U.S. talk shows in the lead-up to his ill-fated UFC 329 return bout in July.
"It's very hard to know that he was given such a high platform still to this day, for such a vicious attack that he did on me," she said. "It's very hard to see that or hear about it. For me to get away from that, I need to completely switch off. I need to not go on social media, because it's there in my face. I need to not go into a local shop, because it's in the newspaper. Unfortunately, he is a famous person and there's no way for me to get away from that.
"I'm not the perfect victim and I never portrayed myself to be," she added, "but when [a woman] is raped and she's not perfect, she seems to get blamed. I want all the victims out there to know that it doesn't matter how much you drink, it doesn't matter if you take a drug that night, it doesn't matter what you're wearing or what you look like — no means no and consent needs to be taken more seriously. I'd like victims to look at my story and read my story and believe that they can come forward and get justice."